death

okay, its a morbid heading. unfortunately, this post is about it. been made to think about it recently, seeing how i have got 2 patients under my care, who may not make it to see their next sunrise.

day in day out, i see them, say hi to them, ask how they are, and they respond with a nod or a monosyllable answer. i then tell them that i have got to take some blood, and they know the drill, offering their arm to me, outstretched, whilst i reel the tourniquet over their paper thin skin.

they never complain about what i do to them...they just remain silent, in their own world.

as i see their life force drain into the syringe, i wonder what are they thinking about...and i wonder, what would i be thinking about should i be in their position one day, sitting on death's bed.

would i be thinking about my husband...or would i have even found love by that time? would i be missing my children's or grandchildren's laughter, and cuddles? would i be thinking if i have put the laundry out, or locked the doors?....would i even still be thinking?

its funny how, i once thought of doing geriatrics or palliative care...because i thought that that would mean that i would be by the bedside of the person...and that my patient would not die alone.

now, i am afraid that my patients would die on my watch.

nothing ever prepares you for this.

their deaths will be my first, unfortunately, not my last.

8:12 PM ·